The unanswered question...

Alarm beeps softly and then harshly until I roll over and hit the snooze button one last time. I need the sun to wake up and I need complete darkness to fall off to the magical land of nod. But lately neither is within reach. 

Have you been there? Are you also a cycle of weeks maybe months of neglect? To start, it is actually 1:40am here in the north woods of Wisconsin. The apartment is still. My child asleep in her room and the only sounds I hear are coming from my own mind.

Making lists of the things that need to be completed and the things that have yet to be started.

Sigh and groan....

But as I decided to blog this early morning only one topic is on my mind. Love. Have you ever taken a moment to examine the over used word? Love.

I love coffee, I love the warmth of fire, I love the outdoors and so on and so on and so on. Love.

This year of 2014 is a big one for me and my home. Last year I packed up and left a comfort zone of normalcy and replaced it with headlights flashing in front me that wont shut off. It was rocky at best and very few calm waves. But I made it. We made it. My daughter and I are still here. Still walking slowly ahead as I the mom secure our home with love.

I haven't displayed images of our little nest. It is still in the tender stages of unfolding. A good friend of mine Cassie of Cassie Allen Photography and fellow blogger over at http://lifethroughthislens.blogspot.com/ is participating in the Joy Project. I inquired about it and the idea is HUGE. Take time. Take a moment to find joy. A simple concept until you pick up your phone or camera and  are left frozen. I am frozen. Let's all say the word together; love.

I have been so insanely busy but still. I have allowed the survival instinct to run wild over me as if I was running from a herd  of hyinna's.

In these precious wee hours of the morning when I should be sleeping I feel a sense of calm. A calm that comes over me from our Lord and Savior. My richest prized possessions are not objects. Oh they once were. I once lavished myself with weekly trips to Starbucks without even blinking at the cost. I once had a house. Yep a house. Not a home. I can say that now. My old home was a house strong and sturdy on the outside but an empty shell on the inside. Oh it looked pretty and had all the right things. So I thought.

I got up and walked out that door and kept going. I kept going all the way to a different state. A few car loads worth of belongings and a lot of courage. Love.

What is this word that once was beaten over a rock but never fell apart? It is God working in me and through me. 

His love is love. His word is love. His voice is love. Oh we all know the voice. It is the sound we here in the back of our heads. But did I listen to it? Have I listened to it? Some days I can truly say yes I have. On other days I have drowned it out with panic attacks and fear.

I get these panic attacks that shake me to my core. I mean literally shake me till I either fall to my knees or can't breath. The kind where 80% of the time you end up in the ER because you end up having paralyzing affects. The kind that take your breath and replace it with stale bread.

Yet I am still here. I am here. I have learned to repeat that phrase over and over again until the calm washes over me and brings me back to life. I now get up and work as a chef and kill my body each night for 6 hours or more to provide. Love. I go without so a child has. I pray. I breath. I try. 

Have you ever ripped yourself apart because you just didn't think you were good enough?

We are all good enough but I see I wasted so much time and false energy hiding from me that I became okay with living without love.

What is love?  For me it the simplest of things. I do not have to carry the luggage of worry and doubt. He does. Our Lord and Savior died for me. For us. The weight of sin has been lifted from my shoulders and replaced with a never ending supply of love. 

Love. 

I was asked a question about a week ago that went unanswered. 

"What do you miss the most now that you are alone"?

I never really thought of myself as alone. I have my children, grandchildren, friends, and most important to me is my Father [God] The one who gave us His son. The one who also planted the Holy Spirit within us to guide us.

BUT..... I really do not think that was the answer this sweet and gentle person was looking for. 

What do I miss?

I miss nothing. No possessions could value what I have gained. No house, lavishes, shopping trips, or even vacations could tip the scales to what I have gained. Love.

I learned one honest truth. That is to truly be open to Our Savior each day faults and all. Whether on a good day or bad day. Whether on a joyous occasion or a lull in the evening. To be open is to be filled.

I am ready though. I can say that now a year later. I am ready to accept love.